Pomatoes!
by envysfangirl
Summary: A RANDOM CRAC STORY I MADE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! CHAPPIE 23 NOUT! maybe some pairings if i get around to it. drabbles. Al x amy
1. Pomatoes!

Disclaimer: I do not own full metal alchemist in any way

* * *

It all started on a very sun shiny day at the military. As usual, Colonel Mustang was neglecting his very important paperwork and all the guys were just chilling in the colonel's office. Riza of course was being the babysitter.

Roy: We should totally start endorsing something.

Breda: What can we endorse?

Fuery: How about machine parts? (nobody listens to poor Fuery)

Roy: You haven't said anything Havoc, you're always the first person to start talking?

Havoc nodding_:_ I say we endorse pomatoes!

Roy: What the hell are you talking about Havoc? There's no such thing?!

Havoc: I disagree chief, I hath made them! (_went did Havoc start talking medieval?)_

Commercial Havoc: Come down to Havoc's pomato ranch for the best dang pomato in the tri-state area! Yee-ha!

Breda: What is it?

Ed glides in outta nowhere, probably on crac Ed_:_ Wat's up guuuyys!!

ed: OOOOOOHHHH! Wat's this?!

Roy: Havoc's jacked up cross-breed.

Ed: Im eatin it.

Havoc's shaking with anticipation Ed: it tastes like crap!

Havoc: Waaahhhhhhhh!

Author's note: tune in for the next chapter of pomatoes!


	2. WHEN THE KEEBLER ELVES INVADE!

I do not own full metal alchemist or the keebler cookie company even though I want to. Publix cookies are just gross!

* * *

The very next day, the guys were having another heated discussion, only this time about cookies. Roy, of course, being the cheap guy he is, says Publix cookies are the best. I'll let the guys take over from here.

Ed: Taisa, you're disgusting, nobody likes Publix cookies!  
Roy: I don't understand why everyone calls me taisa!!  
Ed: it means colonel in Japanese, you idiot!!  
Roy: we're not in Japan, we're in Amestris!!  
Ed: wever

The rest of the gang: are we gonna talk about cookies?  
Ed: Keebler cookies are the best, taisa, and you know it!  
Roy: prove it!  
Ed: Fine I will!

That same day, during lunch, Edward being the total infidel he is, brought the chief Keebler elf, Ernie, and had him talk to Roy. When they were done, Ernie got so pissed off that he left while screaming elfish curses. Later that day, Central was being invaded by Keebler elves! They attacked our perverted, mini-skirt loving, cheap, colonel Taisa. They stuffed cookies down his throat and drowned him with milk. Taisa grabbed his gloves and blew up the entire elf brigade including Ernie _sob .  
_  
At the end of the day:  
Roy: I finally understand why you love the keebler elves so much  
Ed: really!?  
Roy: Yes, because your short enough to be a Keebler Elf!!  
Ed: I really hate you.  
Ed left all sunshiny and happy-like and Roy canceled a week's worth of dates because he got a black eye

* * *

Inspired by my friend who told me the meaning of Taisa and this grandma that I was passing on my way to school. She was freakin 3-feet tall, driving 5 mph, and was eating cookies in her front seat. She reminded me of a keebler elf!! :P Please review or I'll kill you!!


	3. miniskirts and perverts

World's Longest Author's Note: I just have to say I do not own full metal alchemist, I hate mini skirts, and this will be an Ed, Al, Roy Fanfic. If you haven't guessed by now this will be a Fanfic about the retard Elric brothers and our perverted, lazy colonel who has thirty-five bullet holes in his desk. OH MY GOD, LADYBUG!! P.S. I think Wrath is cute in a creepy, psychotic way and if you don't like him I will kill you with textbooks and jalapeños (that was for you Kaitlyn and don't say I don't care about you).

* * *

It was as normal a day as ever( right after the elves' invasion) that our hero (that's Roy) was not doing his paperwork. Riza was holding her gun up to his face and screaming curse words (not elfish curse words you retards, Riza is not an elf) when Ed and Al burst in dressed as girls.

They wore a miniskirt and tank top ensemble ( for all you fashion freaks the skirts were blue and the tops were your favorite colors, just imagine you infidels). They had there hair down and Ed was playing with his hair in a sexy way(must stop thinking fan girlish thoughts uh I think I have a nosebleed). Roy being the alpha male, was walking up to who he thought were girls.

Finally Ed screamed: Roy, you pervert!! You know rape is legal on Tuesdays!! Help us, it's not our faults we're so girly!! We got another Michael Jackson over here!!  
Al: Brother, I'm scared….  
Ed: You see what you do to little boys, Colonel Bastard!!  
Roy: WTF!! Why the hell are you 2 dressed up as girls? Who is responsible for this!!

* * *

Please review and I'll make something interesting and random happen on 5/22/08. Inspired by Victoria (best friend ) who was of the miniskirts today. Her button fell off and I laughed. Ha Ha! She makes me think dirty thoughts during miss filet mignon's class…….


	4. Ed the PrettyHead!

Author's note: I just finished reading the book pretties. It's a really good book. You might want to consider reading it because this chapter is all about it. Some really weird surprises happen! I do not own fma or pretties! Ssshhh, I need to learn to shut up! :3 _  
the rain is pouring  
the old pervy colonel is snoring….._

* * *

here's a list of who's pretty and ugly and special(demon pretties)  
Edward Elric: Pretty-Special  
Alphonse Elric: Pretty-Special  
Rose: Pretty  
Roy Mustang: Pretty-special  
Riza: Pretty-Special  
Furey: Pretty  
Falman: Ugly(eww you think im making him a pretty)  
Lust: Pretty-Special  
Envy: Pretty-Special  
Victoria(best friend, replacing Winry):Pretty  
Greed: Pretty Breda: Ugly  
Havoc: Pretty Hughes: Ugly

* * *

All the cast were patiently waiting to have the pretties evaluation done. It's not like they had a choice. The military was trying to improve the look of prettydom. The main doctor was Dr. Marco. They locked all our guys up and there were only 2 operations a day. They each took 2 hours. 1 for the operation, 1 for the recovery. Edward Elric was the first to get the operation. He went in all scared like.( I know all you Elric fans thinks he's perfect, but im not gonna do anything to him, just give him brain lesions to make him pretty-minded, if you read the book pretties, and improve him a little)HE came out of the surgery drop-dead gorgeous and in prep clothes with a tie, ( I like ties)chewing bubble gum and doing the prep hair flippy thingy. The rest goes like this:  
Ed: I love you, Alphonse!  
Alphonse: Uhhhhhh………  
Ed: Haaa, I'm prettier than Mustang

Roy: Are not!  
Ed: Are too!

Everyone was awed by Ed's new physique and muscles and his new, beautiful, good looks. ( I mean have you ever seen Ed with his shirt off and with like a 6 pack, ohh it was like that) Victoria was having a spaz and Roy's nose was bleeding like there was no tomorrow  
Roy: It won't stop bleeding!  
Victoria: I know, he's hot isn't he?  
Ed sat on an empty couch and was being a real jerk when Al was like they didn't change anything.

Ed: I'm so gorgeous!  
Victoria: I know!  
Al: I can't wait to get the surgery!

2 hours later, Al was a pretty-head too and they both were annoying the hell out of everyone.  
Ed: I bet you can't do this, Mustang! (pelvic thrust, all the fan girls screamed)  
Al: Go Brother!  
Ed: Oh yes Mustang, all the girls are drooling over me for a change  
Victoria: I just got out of surgery! Come on Ed!  
Victoria dragged Ed in a dark, scary room and an hour later he came out and was like 'WOW!' Then he went back to annoying Roy.  
Roy: Just shut up, Full Metal!  
Ed: Guess what?  
Ed: I'm high on anesthesia and drugs I found!  
Roy: Wow that explains so much.  
Ed: Pomatoes! ( pelvic thrust)

* * *

We will continue the pretties theme next chapter picking up where we left off! Sorry it took so long, I had writers block! See you next time!


	5. My address on Yaoi

Author's note(no chapter this week, I have writer's block! Sorry!): Lately I've been pretty obsessed with the whole Pride!Ed conspiracy. Did you know Pride was not a registered character? I was so pissed when I heard that! So basically, I was reading this crappy Fanfic where crazy stuff was happening. Roy was going out with Hughes and they were both gay. Ed, Al, and Envy were gay.(well everybody knew about Envy) Al was actually bi. He did it with Ed and Winry! Weird! It scared me. How can people say such things!? I know some of you may want to read about yaoi, however much it disgusts me, but, **YOU WILL NEVER EVER NEVER EVER READ ABOUT YAOI IN MY FANFICS!! **I will never rite yaoi in my entire life. So get over it. And as you have probably guessed, I am straight. I am not a fan of Elricest, EnvyxEd, EnvyxAl, or RoyxEd. **AND I NEVER WILL BE, SO HAAA!!** My rant is done so carry on with your lives. It saddens me that they're are so many yaoi fans out there. I just wanted to address the problem at hand for the fma fans. Even Vic Mignogna, the voice of Ed, said that Ed likes girls. Ed will never be gay. Sorry. I hate to crush the hearts of yaoi lovers but I hate the your gay fangirliness. I'd also like to say I hate lemons and lemony too. There will be no RosexWin while I am around. And a side note from Victoria (if you don't know who she is please see chapter 4)

Victoria-Who's so short she can't even go to the beach because she's so small she'll sink into the sand and when the tide comes she won't sink or worry about drowning because she's so small she can breathe oxygen atoms in the **WATER!!** ( spaced so you wont have to strain your eyes to decipher the rant and ms. Blum the science teacher would be proud)

Victoria: I'm not short!!  
Me: Shut up!  
Victoria: **I'LL KEEEELLL JOOOOOOOO!! **  
Me: Yahh, Yahh  
Victoria: I sound like a stomach!  
Me: My spoon makes noises!

Tune in next time if I get over the writer's block! (maybe)


	6. Brotherly love

Author's note: I know this is kind of weird, but I have a new name for Victoria, it's Nii-san. Nii-san is brother in Japanese, but she's a girl. I don't know why but I love to call her 'Bwother!' So today I thought I might have a brotherly love episode. Take it away, Nii-san!  
Victoria(Nii-san)-Ramen does not own fma nor can she be sued by angry fan girls. Do not drive or operate machinery till you know how this drabble affects you. Carry on! Teleportation!

Ramen(that's me, sometimes called Nii-chan)-Wow, that was random.

* * *

Ed and Al were hanging out at Taisa's office cause there was nothing better to do. Suddenly, Ed's beautiful new girlfriend, Yuki (aka nii-san) walked through the door. She was a master of alchemy and was way more talented than our fine young Edward but she would never admit it. This is basically how we did it.

"Hey, Edo-kun, how's my baby doing?," said Yuki.  
"Fine," said Ed. (I have to put another girl for Alphonse or he'll be lonely and we don't want a lonely Alphonse so it might as well be me, after all he is one of my bishis ( pride!ed and al are mine!)

"Hey Al, you okay?" said the equally attractive Kura(me)  
"Fine," said Al.

Kura and Yuki left to go have a random girl chat and it left our boys all alone. They sat there on the bench till Ed said something.

"I want to ask Yuki out," said Ed.  
"Same with Kura," said Al.

While all this was going down (how exciting rite?) Kura and Yuki wanted to plan a house party but with costumes. They presented their idea to the boys and they loved it and it happened. I've always wanted to do a house party scene so all the peeps dressed up as people that are evil or funny. Here's the list:

Ed dressed up as Pride!ed (with pants)  
Al was dressed as Wrath (I always thought he would be a cute Wrath)  
Yuki was Lust  
Kura was Sloth  
Breda was Armstrong (guess how I know)  
Roy was a punk kid  
Riza was a kitty  
Falman wasn't invited (man I got something against Falman)  
Havoc was a werewolf  
And Fuery was a vampire

Countless other illegal chimeras and other people just showed up even though they weren't invited……Even Ling managed to show up somehow…

This was the scene: Al and Ed were having the time of their lives as Djs. Kura and Yuki and Riza were singing onstage. Roy was picking up chicks. Havoc wasn't. Falman was trying to sneak in through the window. Hey! Wait a minute! Naughty, Naughty Falman! No! You're not allowed at this party! No old, Chinese-looking men that don't have eyes and have severe squinting problems! Everyone was having a good, old time when finally Ed was like "I love you Alphonse!"

* * *

In case you were wondering they were all drunk, cause in Amestris the alcohol laws are different. I thought it was really cute in this chapter! I might even use Yuki and Kura next chapter! I got Kura from taking the 'Sa' out of Sakura and Yuki cause Victoria wouldn't shut up about it. I've also been living on this house party idea for a long time now.


	7. skittles and cold stones

Author's note: I was reading another fanfic about drabbles and since I haven't updated, sorry I get all my inspiration from random crap at my school and since school is out, I thought I would update! You already kno that I don't own fma so why am I talking so much? Anyway this is something Ive been thinking about all day! Enjoy! P.S. The elric brothers and sugar don't mix!

* * *

Roy would definetely get his. This will be ultimate revenge.

"Where's Roy?"asked Ed.  
"Sleeping cause he's so lazy", said Riza.  
"Where?"asked Ed.  
"Staff lounge",said Riza.

"Roy, oh, please Roy you just gotta wake up,"said Ed.  
"Wha?"said Roy.  
" **Attack**! Feel the rainbow, bitch!You gonna die tonight! No love fo joos, homeslice!Yo lil hor not here, foo!

(For people who don't kno, Ed is throwing skittles at him, it's an inside joke)

"AHHHHH!"screamed Roy.  
"I HATE EDWARD AND HIS CRAP!"  
"It's not crap, it's skittles foo! Don't you know how to multiply!"  
"Where the hell did multiplication from!"  
"You know you suck at math, Colonel Crac-head!"

Roy finally calmed Edward down after realizing he was defeatedand also the fact that Ed ran out of skittles.(AN:he should have purchased a big pack)

"How much sugar have you had today?"asked Roy  
"Well, Havoc, the mega smoker, gave me some crac and pixie sticks mixed together. Al has it so much worse though, he got the same thing but now he works at Cold Stones."  
" Oh no, Cold Stones is too much for that fragile little mind. They do stuff to you!"said Roy.

* * *

Nothing against Cold Stones actually I love cake batter ice cream it's just those songs that they sing and theyre so loud and it just creeps me out sometimes! I promise I'll update weekly, mybe daily. Kudos to all the reviewers!


	8. Cartoon heroes

* * *

I just heard this crazy ass, random song so Alphonse is going to sing cause he's a smexy beast! I am also gonna say that I don't own fma. However, my bishis happen to be and I have a lot of bishis, my bishis are Pride!Ed, Alphonse, Envy, and Wrath. I can't take Ed cause he belongs to a close personal friend (viccy) even though he is a smexy beast and I want him. Oh well, Alphonse is second best I suppose. Roy is third cause he's old and cant multiply so here goes. Sorry but Second Lietenent Mega Smoker isnt placed cause no one has claimed him. So sad. Any suggestions, just review them. I'll take any and all suggestions so on with the story.

* * *

Roy was extremely pissed at Ed but even more so than usual.He just dumped a bucket of jurassic pudding on his head. He opened the door and the bucket fell and Ed came running out of his hiding place.

"Ed what was your bucket doing under my door?" said the pudding covered colonel.  
"What was your door doing under my bucket?" replied Ed.  
"Never mind," said Roy.

Suddenly Alphonse came running into the office cause his shift was over at Cold Stones. This is what he was exactly singing and apparently the cold stones brain washing had already started by his shift leader Amy. (ggirl mmanly voice)

"(g)We are what we're supposed to be  
Illusions of your fantasy  
All dots and lines that speak and say  
What we do is what you wish to do"

"(m)We are the color symphony  
We do the things you want to see  
Frame by frame, to the extreme"

"(g)Our friends are so unreasonable  
They do the unpredictable  
All dots and lines that speak and say  
What we do is what you wish to do"

"(m)It's all an orchestra of strings  
Doing unbelievable things  
Frame by frame, to the extreme  
One by one we're making it fun

"(g)We are the cartoon heroes, oh  
We are the ones who are gonna last forever  
We came out of a crazy mind, oh  
And walked out on a piece of paper  
Here comes Spiderman, arachnophobian  
Welcome to the toon town party  
Here comes Superman, from never neverland  
Welcome to the toon town party  
There's still more to come  
And everyone will be  
Welcomed at the toon (pause) town (pause)  
PAAAAAAAAAAARTY!!

(did I mention he was screaming this at the top of his lungs)

"He's lost it," said Roy.  
"No, you've lost it son,"said Al.  
"Why are you talking like that?"said Ed.  
"Cause I'm a smexy beast and I'm a pimp,"said Al. "I also sing well and we all know that I have a bigger manhood than both of you. If you're small, you're gonna have a small manhood." Said Al.  
"Is he high?"said Roy.  
"I blame it on Cold Stones and yes I do believe he's high and that is a lesson my dear children, crack is whack."said Edward, brother of A-swiss, the pimp that will someday sweep me off my feet.

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Did you enjoy dear children? Now remember crack is whack and read and review!


	9. Al is such a smexy punk!

Ramen:Okay I don't own fma but last chapter will continue starting with Al being extremely crazy cause he works at cold stones…..I don't like cold stones….I love their cake batter ice cream, it's the only reason I even go near that place….For some reason I've been in an Al loving mood this week…I have a chief bishi every week, it just depends what kind of mood I'm in. Al will also continue to speak like a gangster because he's a pimp and he's been promoted to assistant manager at cold stones(yay, more brain washing) Al's the best for all the non-Alphonse lovers!

* * *

"Pancakes and syrup rock my world!" said Alphonse.  
"Al, what the hell are you talking about?"asked Ed.  
"Come to the dark side, Ed, we have chinese takeout."said Al.

"Your brother's a little freak, Fullmetal,"said Roy.  
"I have to go,"said Al.  
5 minutes later he came back with bloody cuts all over his arms and face.  
"What the hell happened to you!?"said Ed.  
"Ponce de Leon attacked me!" screamed Al.  
"Who's Ponce de Leon?"asked Ed.  
"**The Spanish conquistador that lives in my head!"**screamed Alphonse.  
"What's Spanish?"said Ed.

"Cupcakes are cuddly!"said Al.  
Al started to walk away.  
"Where are you going?"asked Ed.  
"I'm gonna go dye my hair blue and get my tongue pierced."said Al.  
"No, you're not,"said Ed being the overprotective big brother he was.  
"Shut up you sadistic bitch! You ruin everyone's damn fun."said Al.  
"Did you just curse?"asked Ed.  
"Yes I did, you slut!" said Al.  
"You've never cursed before.Wow." said Ed.  
While Ed was thinking about this, Al sneaked away and sure enough dyed his hair blue and got his tongue pierced and was fully decked out in punk clothes.  
"HOLY SHIT! A punk Alphonse! That's it the world is ending!"exclaimed Roy.  
"I want me some tacos!" screamed Al.

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Can't you tell I'm running out of ideas? Please send me some suggestions please!


	10. no longer an innocent

OH MY FRIEKIN GOD!! I've been wanting to do this for a long time…. Making a drunk Edward. Sorry peeps but Alphonse will stay above the influence seeing as he's brainwashed enough already. Not too mention Ed loses his virginity. But too whom? Read and find out! But one thing for sure, it ain't gonna be Winry cause she sucks! I hate Winry! There I've said it! I can finally move on with my life! I regret nothing! No fma for me!(that's my disclaimer)

* * *

"You know what would be fun?" Colonel Crac-head asked the guys.  
"I dunno, what?" asked Major Mega Smoker.  
"We take Fullmetal to the bar with us Wednesday night."said Mustang.  
"With all due respect sir, hes just a kid, he's underage." said Hawkeye.  
"I just wanna see how much alcohol the kid can stomach."said Mustang, "After all we know the kid will definitely be like me, hes got good looks, a great alchemist, who knows if he stomachs a lot of alcohol, he even might be me in miniature form!"

So on Wednesday they take the kid to the bar as promised. They order every kind of alcohol they can think of and Edo just drinks it all. They were all thinking that Ed was a drinking machine. Finally after 7 shots of vodka, a bloody mary, and beating Roy in a tequila drinking contest(ahem Roy drank 7 and Ed drank 14 shots)Ed was officially drunk.

Falman volunteered to drive cause hes a loser that didn't have anything to drink and remained sober! The rest of the guys only had beer but Roy and Ed were totally drunk.Ed the worst out of all of them. On the car ride home, this was all Ed said "Dude, I am like barely here" which made all the guys crack up. At this point he didn't wanna go home so he stayed at Roy's place. Or pretty much, he was too drunk to go home to Alphonse. Plus Roy had experience dealing with drunk teenagers. Roy was like "Dude, you will have like the worst hangover tomorrow" Roy invited a couple of girls over and Ed was under the influence, he had no idea what ws happening when this girl dragged him into an empty bedroom. Did I mention that the other guys plus Hawkeye was there too? They were and Ed's like 16. Basically the girl idea came when they all wanted to fuck with Edward.

Roy was kinda getting worried when they didn't emerge from the room. But he passed it off as nothing and went to bed with his girl. The other guys and Hawkeye stayed for reasons unknown.

The very next morning everyone woke up to a scream as Ed ran out of the room in only his boxers. All the while screaming "Why the hell is there a girl in my room? Not to mention she's in my bed with no clothes on!"  
Roy came out in his boxers too and said, "Congratulations on banging your first girl, Fullmetal."  
"What are you talking about? I think I would remember having sex with a girl." Exclaimed Ed.  
"Oh but you were intoxicated chief, and we so screwed you over." Said Havoc. And because Roy always has to say a smart ass crack, "You have officially no longer an innocent and I was right, you will be just like me."  
**"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"**


	11. wawa pedals and amy

I just wanna let you know that Alphonse will be incredibly stupid in this chapter and Roy might peek his lazy ass in here somewhere. Also Al gets molested by his boss, Amy!! And then they might go steady. What have I done?! A crazy cold stone couple!? I gotta go!  
Manda: While she left to straighten herself out she does not own fma, and TASTE THE RAINBOW, BITCH! Aren't I being ratchy today? Ratchy equals random.

* * *

One week after the innocence incident, while Ed was balancing his checkbook (a/n: like they have those!) he noticed that Alphonse gave him a receipt for 356 dollars but Ed had no idea what it was for so he asked.  
"Al, what's this receipt for from SAM ASH for 356 dollars?" asked Ed.  
"Uhhhhh, well you see brother, I really needed it so I got it."  
"What did you need?" asked Ed.  
"A wawa pedal."  
"What the heck is wawa pedal?"  
"It's a thing that makes a guitar go 'wa wa', said Al.  
"What does it do?" asked Ed.  
"It makes the guitar go 'wa wa' said Al.  
"Oh that's nice, I'm using dollar shampoo when you go out and blow 350 bucks on a machine that makes a guitar go wawa!" "Wa Wa?"  
"Here's a thought, do you even have a guitar?" asked Ed.  
"Well, no."  
"I give up on you."

Later on when Al went back to work, Amy cornered him and started totally molesting and raping him. She kissed him and the weird part was that Al actually enjoyed it. He went back to Mustang's office and introduced Amy to the guys. Suddenly she burst out, "I want pancakes!"  
"How bout popcorn?" asked Al.  
"Okay."  
Al just magically pulled out popcorn from his magic anime pockets. Just as he did, she pulled out syrup and started pouring it on the popcorn. "You keep syrup in your purse?" asked Ed.  
"Well yeah, doesn't everybody?" said Amy.  
"Great choice in girls, Al." said Ed.

Later, Ed and Al snuck their way into Mustangs office and screamed at the top of their lungs. "**ISN'T ROY SUCH A LUMP?" SAID ED. "YEAH A LUMPY LUMP." SAID AL. "HEY FURHER LUMPY LUMP WAKE UP SHOULDN'T YOU BE DOING PAPERWORK?" SAID ED.** And with that Roy woke up with one word: "Huh?"

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I luf this so enjoy and please read and review!


	12. crazy dreams

I had the weirdest little dream last night and surprisingly it had yaoi references. Alright, only this chapter you demons! It's about the furher, hats, pokemon, and Hughes. I do not own fma or Pokemon! I regret nothing!

* * *

I was doing my own little thing when suddenly I was in Colonel Mustang's office. I looked down and I was in the military uniform. Yay! I've always wanted to wear a military uniform! They look so stylish! Anyways, I've just dived off on my fantasies about the uniform. Suddenly, The Furher walks in, we salute him and he screams at us, "I LOVE HATS!! MUSTANG, GET ME SOME HATS!!"  
oookkkkaaaayyy, that was a little random but I shrugged it off seeing as how I went to a sleepover that was the most random party I went to, was a little more random than that. Another guest pops out of nowhere and it's Black Hayate. I screamed because it's such a cute dog and I bent down to pet him. He screams at me, "Get your hands off me, son! I ain't no house pet!" and with that he walked off. Fuery,(yay!) Falman,(grrrrrr, Falman!) and Breda,(he's okay) we're screaming there butts off that that dog was a demon. Then I hear screaming down the hall that sounds like Ed. "AAHHHHH, Pokemon! Roy's fire Pokemon are strangling me! Why are they taking my shirt off!?"  
I looked at Roy. He was reading a newspaper and said the other pokemon belonged to Hughes. He uses them for photo shoots. Roy keeps the fire because they are strong. And the reason why Roy had the Pokemon taking Ed's shirt off was, "I can never tell you're a boy! With your shirt off, you look like a boy and look at those muscles! (gay Roy? But anway insert all Ed fangirly screams) I screamed too. Just to let you know. And ten Al comes in going, "Who wants ice cream?" "NOOOOO!" And we all threw shoes and pokemon at Alphonse. The end

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Look my friend is in a little tight spot for hits and reviews so I promised him I would advertise so please read the goddess festival by s.a.s. cloak and dagger and continue to read my cracfic


	13. naps are dangerous

I've always wanted to do this to my best friend if she sleep walks but I'm an evil genius and I'm going to do this to Ed! What do my best friend and Ed have in common, you might ask? They both hate milk, being called short, and are extremely random and cool. So, best friend, be warned that I will do this if you sleepwalk. And you know who you are best friend. I am so excited about this! You don't even know! You don't even know! You don't even, knooooooooo! I don't own fma. (runs around the house screaming I'm an evil genius)warning not a normal chapter, just an idea.

* * *

Ed was extremely tired. He was working himself ragged over the Philosopher's stone. He didn't know how much more he could take. He sent Alphonse back to the apartment. All he had to do in Mustang's office was wait for him to get back. He knew Mustang wouldn't be back soon so he decided to take a nap.

Suddenly, all the guys looked up and saw Ed coming out of Mustang's office, eyes wide open, but like he was unconscious. They wondered why but then they heard him snore. They all smiled cause they knew he was sleepwalking. Ed opened the door and Havoc was about to wake him up, when Breda stopped him, "I just wanna see where he's going." It wasn't like they had anything else to do. Mustang was somewhere and Riza left work early.

They all looked very strange following a sleepwalking alchemist to god knows where. Suddenly Ed walked to the cafeteria. He started grabbing food and stuffing his face. They looked at each other, thinking the same thing, he was even more of a food disposal unit when he was asleep. Suddenly Havoc got a brainstorm, "Guys, we can make him do whatever we want, he's a sleeping alchemist and how many of those walk by?"

Fuery got the most random food he could think of and they sat Ed down and he ate all of it. He ate peppers, cheese, clams, and anything else they could think of. In the middle of it, Mustang burst through the door. An evil smile crossed his face and this was all he said, "Let's feed him something that he'll kill us for."

15 minutes later, Ed woke up. He had such an urge to go to the bathroom and was wondering why he was in the cafeteria. "Well, you won't have to worry about being short anymore, Fullmetal." said Mustang. All of the guys immediately started laughing. "Huh?" Then he stopped and looked at the 6 gallons of empty containers on the table. He felt his face and he realized he had a milk mustache. He screamed and ran out of the room. Everyone started laughing and that is the story how Ed got so tall. Not really.

* * *

I'm a genius aren't I? Hope you enjoyed. Review if I'm evil. Aren't you scared best friend?


	14. Alphonse is the real sugar baby!

Alright, you got me, I feel bad for what I did to poor Edo. But in my defense I couldn't help it and it was just an idea. So who here likes to hear Al sing? Well it's another one of those chapters and I still haven't got over my Alphonse thing yet so enjoy!

* * *

As usual, the colonel/furher was reading the news as usual. Suddenly, Alphonse came in and started singing. He also had a really girly voice this time. This is what he sang:  
"Alright,  
test-test-test-test  
Hello? (he has a microphone)  
Are we ready to go here?

Ahem May I have your attention, please?  
Guys: WHAT!?  
May I have your attention, please?  
Guys: YEAH!  
Will the real sugar baby please speak up?  
We're gonna have a problem here!

Y'all act like you've never heard a little white girl before  
Jaws all on the floor  
Acting like you can buy me in a sugar store (cha-ching)  
Cruising the halls You best be looking for more cos  
I'm bigger than that  
And I won't be stuck on the floor  
Haha-haha-haha  
Guy: WHAT YOU LAUGHING AT? Y  
You're all talking like, oh wait, no way!  
You're kidding!  
She didn't just sound how I thought she did, did she?  
Guys: YEAH YEAH YEAH!

Hey-Hey-Hey where's sugar at?  
Guys: WHERE YOU AT?  
I'm right here!  
Sleeping in Mocha's pocket!  
Tee-Hee!  
Sugar-sugar-sugar-sugar-sugar-sugar-baby!  
Sugar baby!

I'm sugar baby, the REAL sugar baby  
ALL you other sugar babies are just imitating  
So won't the real sugar baby please jump up,  
please jump up,  
please jump up!

Cos I'm sugar baby, the REAL sugar baby  
ALL you other sugar babies are just imitating  
So won't the real sugar baby please jump up  
please jump up,  
please jump up!  
Guys: WOAH!

Look at her, walking around with her own crew  
Mad Dog and Billy and Mocha too!  
She's so damn short though!  
Guys: What!?  
Yeah!  
Guy: THAT'S MY GIRL, YO!

And there's a million of us just like me,  
Fuss like me, just don't give a fu--  
Oh! I would never say that!  
Guys: Sugar!  
Dress like me, walk like me, have hair like me,  
And just might be the next best thing, but not quite me!  
I'm sugar baby, the REAL sugar baby  
ALL you other sugar babies are just imitating  
So won't the real sugar baby please jump up  
please jump up,  
please jump up!  
Cos I'm sugar baby, the REAL sugar baby  
ALL you other sugar babies are just imitating  
So won't the real sugar baby please jump up,  
please jump up,  
please jump up!

Oh, and could the rest of you please lie down…  
Cos, I can't see anything, Thanks!  
Sugar-sugar-sugar-sugar-sugar-sugar-baby!  
Sugar baby!

* * *

I just love Al singing! Here's the url for the video: /watch?vqwuUUaiDcB4 I admit it is Wrath but it's so cute! Al is so perfect for this song! This is Al's new theme song! This song kicks butt! And yes I know Al is a boy but he looks like a girl, but still hott! Or just type in, Wrath's the real sugar baby! at youtube


	15. Author's note: I'm at camp

Sorry guys but I will be at a camp in Daytona for 5 days to bond with my friends. So no new chapters for 5 days. But the good news is I will still be thinking about ideas. Sorry! I couldn't get out of it! This camp doesn't have internet! I will reign with a barrage of updates as soon as I get back! I promise! And all the reviewers get cookies!


	16. Roy teaches life lessons

God, that camp was psychotic. 3 minute showers, tics, frogs, boys jumping on you when you're only wearing a towel. (Roy: Go, GO, Go!) Somehow I could see him doing that. Yeah I almost got tackled so yeah. It was crazy. I thought this up last night so enjoy.

* * *

"Today I am going to teach you children lessons about life. Let's start with number 75. I should warn you that this might take 2 hours." Said Roy. Suddenly Ed runs in and says, "Roy it's right above me! Get it!"  
"What's above you?"  
"The ceiling" and he turns and walks away.

"Where was I?" said Roy.  
Then Al decides to waltz in and goes, "Help me! It's all around me!"  
"What's all around you?"  
"My belt" and then he walks away.

Roy finally gets past number 75 when Ed comes back in and starts walking in a square around Roy.  
"What are you doing?"  
"Walking around the camp square" and then he left.

"God these guys are annoying," says Roy. "But so cute." (Bad Roy )  
Ed and Al walk in together this time and say, "What time is it Roy?"  
"Uh, 3:15?"  
"No, It's **KETCHUP TIME!"** and they squirt him with ketchup.  
"Get out or you will be on my barbeque!" says Roy.

5 minutes later Al comes back in and starts mopping around Roy.  
"What are you doing Al?" said Roy.  
"Trying to get rid of this big, useless, drip." (burn!)  
"I'm useless!?"

Finally Ed comes back in and says, "Roy, what does this sign above the door say?"  
"Exit, why?"  
"Take a hint." And Ed pushes open the door.

* * *

God I am so mean but I am cool and I got to burn Roy. Oh and Al is a beast! See yah!


	17. random crap

I have just noticed something. Have you ever seen Roy drive a car once? I have not. So some random junk is gonna happen. Don't sue me. It's all random crap. And the use of the word wizpants. And Roy being a bad father. And Ed complaining about a fly on the floor. Viccy did this one time. She called me in the middle of the night screaming about some dead fly on the floor. Oh and then there's the driving thing.

* * *

Ed and Mustang were just sitting around being lazy as usual. Suddenly Ed said let's go play mini golf. So they did. But he called Hawkeye to drive the car.  
"Mustang, why don't you drive the car?" asked Ed.  
"Because I failed the test and couldn't get the license." Said Roy.  
"Hah, you can't multiply, you're old and know you don't have your license." (awww, poor Roy)

For payback, he dared Ed to eat 2 golfballs. Ed did and then Roy told Riza about it.  
"Did you do anything about it?" asked Riza.  
"Should I have done something?" asked Roy in a totally clueless way. That resulted in Ed getting a stomachache. (Roy you bad father you. And to think that I felt sorry for you.)

When they got back to the office, Ed saw a dead fly on the floor and was like, "Dude there's a fly on the floor."  
"So pick it up." Was the reply.  
"God no"  
"Why?"  
"Sue me, I don't like bugs, Colonel Whizpants."

_2 hours later  
_"This fly is still on the floor. It's starting to freak me out! It's scaring me! It's a bug and it could fly up at me any second." Said a weirded out Ed.  
"It's a bug, cool your jets." Said Mustang (hahha, Whizpants it's a funny word)  
"No you need to."

* * *

I pity Roy's children. And that fly. Being watched in death by Edward is not a good sign. Ehhh, I'd be watched by him any day.


	18. Author's note

Hey, I am back! First off, I have some points to say. Mr. Udell, my summer school teacher, is just plain mean. I give my sympathies to AOK and ACE. He was being mean by saying our skits were horrible and he was gonna take them out of our celebration show. What a jerk! He gave me a headache and I got sick. He got me so pissed! And this summer, I gained 5 pounds. In science, we made a heart attack in a pan. I t was sickly sweet and it was pie and ferrerro rochers and twizzlers and starburst jelly beans and it was gross. I stared at it like Ed in the first chapter and ate it. I regret it, that was a bad decision on my part. Ever since, I've been feeling sick. Mr. Udell just added to that problem. Thanks, Mr. Udell! You are my health ruin! Oh. Well that's nice. A part of my braces just fell out! I had to reschedule 2 maintenance appointments and this is what I get. Falling metal parts that I could choke on in my sleep. And now I am lisping. Hissing like a snake in fact. Picture that. The author is hissing like a snake. Random! Oh! Automail and braces are the same! The whole rescheduling thing sounded like automail to me. Oh well! That is my rant cause I have nothing better to do! See ya!


	19. Random Shit

**Me and another nameless person are going on a trip to metrocon next year so I might be posting some of my skits on here. It depends.**

**That has to be the most random shit I've done all year. That made me feel a little bit better.**

* * *

"I LOVE YOU BITCH!"Said Al as he walked into the office with Ed and Roy.

"You're a gay fucktard Alphonse," said Edward.

"And Im' so smexy I DON'T NEED MY SHIRT!" Said Roy.

Roy then proceeded to rip off his shirt and do sexy bicep and chest thrusts. (random thought, like that will ever happen)

Al then tried to sneak away with Roy's stapler.

"I caught you bitch! You tried to take my stapler! You will die because my sexy pompous ass senses say so!" said Roy. "I will burn your gay self!"

"Yo mama!" said Al.

"Oh noez, you didn't," said Roy. And then he snapped his fingers In a Z formation and burned all the paperwork in the room.

"I've been raped by my bitch of a brother!" said Edward and then he twirled like the little girly self he is.

"I FUCKED FULLMETALS' MOM!" said Roy.

"Daddy! No wonder I am so smexy! My daddeh is meh boss! I love you daddeh!" said Edward. And then he jumped in Roy's arms.

"I am not your daddeh. I am the most sexiest Santa Claus in this world!" said Roy.

"Where's my presents you Santa-hoe?" said Alphonse.

"You don't get any cause you've been a naughty boy!" said Ed and he started beating up his little brother with subs from subway.

Roy backed away from them and moved into a closet. He came out a little to hear this announcement.

Then Ed and Al stole the megaphone from the Furher's office and said a pledge to Roy and all of Amestris.

"I pledge allegiance to the Santa-hoe, who wishs to run the HQ of Amestris, and to the subordinates for which they kiss ass. To the trigger-happy bitches, and fuck Leto, fuck the pussys, with justice and coolness my ass. I live in a shithole that can't get paperwork done and I'm glad man-whores run our country."

"Your not a very good Santa Claus, Daddeh." Said Ed and Al

* * *


	20. Roy the Impaler

This is hilarious so I thought I would put it in. It's a random thought that I had in science class today. It's so much like Roy's on ecstasy and Ed's the only person sane. In bold, is when Roy chnages his voice to a deep manly, man voice.

* * *

"What are we watching?" Ed said.  
"Graphnar the Wanderer." Said Roy.  
_Random yelling is heard from the movie  
_"What?" said Ed.  
"Yeah, Graphnar is a medieval monk with the powers of the God Kanaiathin. He wanders from town to town." Said Roy.  
"Doing what?" said Ed.  
"Mainly killing people." Said Roy.  
_More random death and yelling  
_

Later at the rock climbing wall, Roy was at the top holding Ed's climbing rope.  
"Could you gimme a little room, Roy?" said Ed.  
"Actually, you can call me Thor-axe the Impaler." Said Roy.  
"What?" said Ed.  
"It's cool huh, do you like that or do you like Ramrod the Destroyer." Said Roy.  
"Are you retarded?" said Ed. "Look your name is Roy and I'm calling you Roy."  
**"Who is this Roy person that you speak of, fellow wanderer?"** said Roy.  
"You've got to be kidding me." Said Ed.  
**"Thor-axe the Impaler never speaks in jest."** Said Roy.  
"Roy, would you just help me repel down." Said Ed.  
**"Thor-axe."** Said Roy.  
"For the gods I don't believe in, we have a job to do, the government is depending on us and you do this _sht _all the time." Said Ed.  
**"You have spirit little one, I will call you Ed the Vagina."** said Roy.  
"Listen, Thor-axe, just lower the rope." Said Ed.  
**"Fare thee well, you angry little gnome."** Said Roy.  
"Ugh, I hope Graphnar smites you." Said Ed.  
_ Roy looks up to the sky  
_**"Lord of the skies, it is I, Thor-axe, here my call!"** said Roy.  
"You realize the thorax is a part of an insect, right?" said Ed.  
**"No, you see I spell it T-H-O-R**-hyphen-A-X-E, it's totally different." Said Roy.  
"Alright, lower the rope." said Ed.  
**"Thor-axe the Impaler bows before no man, feel my power."** Said Roy.  
"Did you just throw- **AAAAAGHHHHH!!  
_BOOOMMM! _**_Roy threw a grenade  
_"Dammit!"  
**"Submit to my will and you will be saved, challenge me and you will be destroyed."** Said Roy.  
"What is wrong with you?" said Ed.  
_**BOOMMMMMMMM!**__ Roy threw another grenade  
_**"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"** said Ed. "Are you fckin insane?"  
**"Submit to my will.**" Said Roy.  
"Jesus, okay okay, I submit to your will." Said Ed.  
**"And whose will is that?"** said Roy.  
"Thor-axe the Impaler." Said Ed.  
**"Gooooood, and who is submitting?"** said Roy.  
"Please don't." said Ed.  
**"Would you like another bolt from a god, mortal, what is your name?"** said Roy.  
"…….Ed………" said Ed.  
**" Ed whaaaaaaatttt?"** said Roy.  
" Ed the Vagina" said Ed.  
**"You may ascend."** Said Roy.  
"I swear to god, if I didn't need to get outta here, I would kill you." Said Ed.  
"Oh come on, it was a joke." Said Roy.  
"You threw fckin grenades at me!!" said Ed.  
"They were flash grenades, I wouldn't throw real grenades at you, I mean that would just be stupid." Said Roy. "Ed?"  
"Yeah?" said Ed.  
"Are you gettin' mad?" said Roy.

* * *

Ascend means to climb down and this weekend I will make a secret spy mission for Ed and Roy. And Roy will continue to be a weird smartass.


	21. MARSHMALLOWS

Ed and Roy are secret agents that are trying to break into a building. Let's let them take it from here.

* * *

"I've done this a hundred times, once we disable the security, we're going over- "  
"W-What are you doing?" said Roy.  
"What do you mean? I'm lifting myself on the ledge so that we can-"  
"So.. so you can crawl on my back, right?" said Roy.  
"Well, yeah.. I mean, it's the only way to get past security..well."said Ed.  
"Well, it's the only way to get past security while you get to rub your man-junk on my back." Said Roy.  
"Jesus Christ, fckin Roy, keep it down." Said Ed.  
"Oh, so you like to keep your victims quiet while you molest them." Said Roy.  
"Are you fckin joking!?" said Ed.  
"Does it look like I'm joking?" said Roy and he gave him a sexy smirk and puppy dog eyes.  
_Silence  
_"Yes."  
_Silence  
_"Fine, you can crawl up my back." Said Ed.  
"Now we're talking. Saddle up big-boy." Said Roy.  
_And Roy pushed him down  
_"What the hell is wrong with you?" said Ed.  
"MMMMMM……ugggghghhg…._(censored)_….ugh..ugh"  
"Come on you know you want to." Said Roy.  
"I am not going to do bare-back mountain with you." Said Ed.  
"I heard it's a powerful momeeentttt, like deliverance." Said Roy.  
"Roy, we have a job to do, we'll talk about this later." Said Ed.  
_In a seductive voice: "_sweet"  
"Would you just leave me alone!?" screamed Ed.  
"Hum, hum ,hum, hmmmmmmmmm, shhhhhhh, we don't wanna wake the guards." said Roy.  
" Back up"  
"Hey take it easy"  
" Just keep backing up"  
"Look I figured we were working together, we had to start- woah- AGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!" said Roy.  
"Finally." Said Ed.

_2 floors up  
_"Hum, hum, hum, hmmmmmmmmm, huh? Woahhhhhhhhhh!" screamed Ed.  
"Hello." Said Roy.  
"You fell like forty stories." Said Ed.  
"And would you believe at the bottom of those forty stories, was a crate full of marshmallows." Said Roy.  
"…..No……."said Ed.  
"And you'd be right."said Roy  
"So how did you live?" said Ed.  
"…Love.."said Roy.  
"Love?" said Ed.  
"Love." Said Roy.  
"Whose love?" said Ed.  
"Your love." Said Roy.  
"My love?" said Ed.  
"mmmmmmhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm" said Roy.  
" What the hell are you talking about?" said Ed.  
"I don't really know, I hit my head pretty hard when I landed." Said Roy.  
"Do you remember the mission?"said Ed.  
"To ensure the survival of John Connors." Said Roy.  
"Close enough." Said Ed.

_Later that day  
_"Wew, that was one hell of a mission."said Ed.  
"We disarmed a warhead, rescued the president, captured Osama bin Laden, recovered the body of Richard Nixon, and John Connors is still alive." Said Roy.  
"I know now why he cries." Said Ed.  
"But it's something we can never do." Said Roy. "Anyway, I think it's time for a marshmallow run".  
_He jumps out the window  
_"Ed? Ed? Did you move the truck full of marshmallows?" said Roy  
"WHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"

* * *

iT'S SO RANDOM. i'LL HAVE TO THINK OF MORE. HE HIT HIS HEAD HARD.


	22. The talk

Periods are evil. So in my deranged fury, I asked myself one question. How the hell do girls live this way? How do we survive? A good friend (nii-san and if you don't know who that is, I'll kill you) told me. I just said Oh. Like an idiot. I'm the most poorly educated girl on periods out there cause I'm still fairly new.Include parts of the talk. So, enjoy!

* * *

"Hey Riza, can I ask you a question?" asked Edward, when he was in her office.

"Sure kid, shoot, what's the question?" said Riza.

"It's about girls."

Everyone's heads in the room shot up. They knew this day would come. That the kid would need to have the talk. They were just scared who had to do it.

"I know that girls PMS and junk but why?" said Ed.

"Ummmmm, well you see Ed. Girls must have a cycle about once a month. This cycle gets rid of things in the body that girls use to take care of a baby."

"In short, they bleed from their ass." Said Roy.

"Roy!! That is not the real thing!" said Riza.

"Oh, I'm sorry, they bleed from there vagina." Said Roy.

"What's that?" said Ed.

"A hole that any guy alive would shoot for." Said Roy.

"Stop sir" said Riza.

"Kid, lemme give it to you short. Your voice will change, you'll masterbate everywhere, just like I did. Oh and you'll be after girls all the time." Said Roy

"Are you freakin insane!! Ed, please don't listen to him, he's a sexist pig." Said Riza.

"One more question, how can girls survive losing blood?" said Ed, still intent on finding out.

"It's not all blood." Said Riza.

"What!?" said every guy in the room.

Riza taught them all about it and I want to say it helped them but it didn't.

Winry walked into the room and Ed blushed so much. Roy started crackin up.

Ed couldn't speak because Winry was hugging him. And he had one thing to say. "You didn't tell me? Your gonna bleed to death and you didn't tell me!"

"Ed it's not all blood."

"Says you. If you ask me, Riza could drop dead from blood loss any minute. I'm confused and I reall want Winry to get off me."

And that's the story of how Ed ward became uke (bottom)


	23. Battle of the sexes!

Hey guys, lookie here! I think it's time for something traditional. The Battle of the sexes! Yay!

* * *

Ravyn, Victoria, Winry, Rose, Riza, Havoc, Ed, Roy, Al, and Fuery were just sitting around bored. Nothing unusual right? And then the light of females spoke

"Girls are the light of the human species, and males are just pigs." Said Victoria.

"Excuse me?" said Ed.

"You heard us." Said Victoria.

"Explain, what can you possibly do better than us?" said Roy.

"Girls can swing their hips while dancing. It's really sexy too." Said Ravyn and she demonstrated.

"Why would we want to do that?" said Havoc.

"Well, boys can smoke and make it look cool, while girls make it look bitchy." Said Ed.

"SPEAK THE TRUTH!!" said Havoc.

"SHUT UP HAVOC!!" said everyone.

"Well, we can also handle childbirth." Said Riza.

"How would you know, the only person who does is Rose." Said Alphonse.

"Well, boys have sex down. I know we're all animals." Said Roy with a very animalistic smirk.

"Girls can multi-task." Rose said.

"Crap they have us there." Said Fuery.

"No, cause I can look at porno and eat at the same time. That is multi-tasking." Said Al.

"Your sick."said Winry.

"We lose weight easier." Said Havoc. "And our muscles our larger."

"We eat a lot." Said Ed.

Well, let's just say after that a fattie comment was heard from the boys side of the room and there was a big fight. Everyone got hurt so I guess we'll never know……..

"Girls win!!" screamed Ravyn and Victoria.


End file.
